Have you ever wondered why some decisions work and some don’t? Why do some of your initiatives end up splendidly and others explode in your face? 💣
If only you could predict the flow of events before you got involved… Or even better – influence and change the events as you go?
I found such a tool and I wish to share it with you.
Fear vs. Love
Before I undertake anything, I run it through a filter:
Do I do this out of fear or out of Love?
If Love drives me, I keep going.
If fear drives me, I dive in deeper until I find a way through Love. If I don’t find any Love for it, I just don’t do it.
You see, the exact action doesn’t matter. The action/initiative/project/undertaking is neutral. It’s the energy that we put in that gives it the flavor and the end result.
We and no one else are in charge of the energy and intention we put in.
How to recognize what’s out of fear and what’s out of Love?
- You need external reassurance – a diploma, a plan, external accountability partner, etc.
- You give away your power and responsibility to your mentor, your trainer, the big brand: “They’ll teach me, they will give me what I lack”
- It feels restricted, suffocating, it causes anxiety
- You don’t connect to the people, to the material, to the process. You have to put effort to show up, to pull through.
- You’re too busy to rush into the future that you ignore the now
- It feels like a sacrifice, you’re a martyr for the greater good
If Love is too soft or too wishy-washy for you, I get it. I am an engineer. Love for me also used to feel like something fleeting, romantic, superficial, rosy, something for poets and hippies, and not for real life. My parents, pragmatical, frugal engineers, never spoke of Love or how much they loved me. Not with words at least.
If you have resistance to the word Love, you can see it as a feeling of expansion, warmness, lightness, enthusiasm, generosity, gratitude.
Love doesn’t even have to be towards someone else. Zoom in at the times your authentic Self, your internal GPS, your true nature spoke to you. When you showed up as your Best Self. When you were overrun by enthusiasm and desire to give. This is Love.
Here’s how to recognize Love:
- You will feel a natural pull toward it
- You have no big expectation, you don’t see the end: I have no idea what the end goal of this blog is, I just like to write
- There’s no flashy fantasy – in your imagination, you don’t meet the prince on a white horse or your dreamy princess, you just enjoy your kingdom
- It’s flowing, easy, playful. Things come into place. Events arrange much, much better than anything you could have planned or anticipated.
- You are in the Now. The show, the fun is happening now. As I write, I have immense joy, and I don’t even know if I will ever publish this text or it will be just a private journaling entry. If you’re reading it, I probably decided to publish it.
- You would do it even if you were the last person on Earth. Even if no one watched, no one applauded and especially if no one cared
So, once you recognize that fear drives you, it’s showtime: Transform Fear to Love. The best part is that what comes as a by-product of the chemical reaction of transforming fear into love is Freedom.
I’ll give you some examples of my life when I transformed fear into love:
- Fear of driving -> into an adventurous experience
- Fear of motherhood -> into a loving, nurturing mom-child relationship
- Fear of lack of freedom -> a Financial independence goal
- Fear of Not being good enough -> energy to drive me forward
- Fear of losing my professional edge if I took time off -> 3 sabbaticals of different lengths
- Fear of public speaking -> giving 20+ speeches, competing in public speaking contests, and 2 years serving at the board of a Toastmasters club
- Fear of Sales -> I am still working on this one – it’s a tough one to crack
How does it translate to real life?
Here are some examples from my life:
My daily ritual
My daily ritual is a pure creation out of Love. It was born out of necessity and desire to open space and time for myself. I’ve been crafting it day after day for 3 months now and it opens an unlimited window of opportunities.
Eyes on the Goal Blog
Although the blog took some time to materialize, it was and still is a Love child of mine. It came from a deep yearning to write, to share, to create. Although over the years I had a few impulses to shut it, I still consider it one of my priceless and most valuable creations.
It’s a time machine – going both directions. As I read my older entries I meet my old Self and how I used to be. I can also create my future, as I write and shape it as I go.
Financial Independence Goal
Out of fear: I hate my job and my life. Let me find a way to escape it. Then I will be free.
Out of love: I love to have my time available and being free to do what I want. What do I need to put in place so I have a longer runway?
I have to admit, my goal of Financial Independence started in Fear – fear to waste my life in an office, being stuck in a job that I didn’t like.
It took me 2 years to dig into the goal and what it means to me to get to the core. What I actually wanted was a life I don’t need a vacation from. Ever since I’ve been defining what it means exactly, but at its core, it’s nothing short of Love:
- it’s here and now
- it’s spacious, there’s an expansion
- it feels good
- it’s alive, evolving and who knows what comes out of it
- it is a work-in-progress as life and nature itself, it doesn’t have an end
Out of fear: I am not getting younger. The clock is ticking, the fertile window is closing. Let’s get it done.
Out of love: I put my guards down, I open myself up for a miracle to be performed through me. Cos’ ladies and gentlemen, the whole process of a new life emerging as mundane as it seems is nothing short of a miracle.
Motherhood, for me, started with fear. In a 5 year process, the fear transformed into acceptance and now to Love. My fear of motherhood and losing control was purified the moment I said to my imaginary, not yet conceived baby:
Ok, I’ve invited you to my life.
Now I surrender. Come whenever you wish.
Entering any training/education/coaching program
Out of fear: I will fail without the accountability/knowledge/certificate. Let me secure myself and enroll in this program. This is the program that will finally give me the edge, transform my limiting beliefs, etc.
Out of love: There’s so much to learn, to expand, and to discover. I don’t know where this is going, but I love the process. If I don’t sign up for this training, it’s not the end of the world. There’s always another one coming.
In the midst of my maternity leave year, and the Corona pandemic, a Coach training that was previously held in person was offered online. This was never done before.
I took it as a sign and made the impossible possible to attend the 12 full days of online classroom training, the many hours of practice, mentoring sessions all the way to the exam.
“How I met your father”
Out of fear: Everyone is having a romantic partner, and I am alone with my cat. I will die alone. I need to do something, find someone.
Out of love: I love my life the way it is. I love my freedom. Wouldn’t be nice to be able to share it with someone?
Many years ago, I don’t even count them, I signed up for a paid, high-quality dating platform.
I did it out of Love for life, out of curiosity. What I was expecting was to meet new people, have some fun, and practice German. Instead, I met my boyfriend, and the rest is history.
Saying No/Freeing up your calendar
Out of fear: I am afraid I will pick up shiny, hallow activities, and I will lose my time. I will not let my calendar be filled with other people’s priorities. So I say No by default.
Out of love: Having a loose schedule is awesome. So much time and space to maneuver. Let’s play, I am open to whatever comes. If nothing comes, I’m also fine with it even if I feel lazy or unproductive.
Posting consistently on social media
Out of fear: They will not know who I am and what I offer if I don’t show up. Gary Vee says so. And I also need to create a podcast and be on LinkedIn, and TikTok. I have to run ads. Otherwise, no one will know about me and my services.
Out of love: Let me keep my creative energy flowing, making myself available, creating connections, and sending out impulses even if sometimes it feels they fall on dead ears. Energy is not lost. It comes back to me in unimaginable ways.
I am consistent in my mission of transforming fear into Love, even if this doesn’t result in consistent output on social media.
Fear coming from outside
It’s not only the fear we have inside, there’s also the fear from outside. Be aware when others manipulate you through fear. It’s a powerful one.
Their motives might be different. It might be your relatives who want the best for you (according to them):
Be a good boy, good girl. Do what I say, so you don’t disappoint us.
It’s most probably unconscious, they might not be aware and sincerely mean well. It’s your responsibility to spot it and to respond accordingly.
It might be someone who wants to sell you something and pushes your fear buttons to force you to make a move:
It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I’ll not be doing this offer/course more this year.
What would you miss when you don’t do it?
This is your work. That’s the formula. Every time you go deeper, you transform fear into love and get freedom as a byproduct.
It’s not always easy, but it’s liberating. It sheds layers away, it opens up unimaginable possibilities. It makes you feel alive.
There is only Love. Everything else is resistance to it.
– Terces Engelhart, Author & Entrepreneur